Love, Expectations, Attachment, Surrender and transcendence..

Thanks for guiding me always. Master I am not able to completely surrender in love. I feel there is tug of war between my mind and heart. The days are peaceful and loving when my heart chakra is activated and I work through that level. But it is not for long, and there is a block. My mind jumps in and gives me so many reasons not to love and believe. Please help AD I don’t want to lose my love because of these plays as I know our union has greater purpose…..

- Shalini

ImageBeloved Shalini,

Read your question and discovered that it is truly all about you. Read your question again.. you have 5 “i”s and at least 4 “My”s, 2 “Me”s and one “Our”. Seemingly you are focusing too much on yourself, your state, your expectations, your chakras, your heart and your mind and probably all this in the name of “us” while “he” finds no mention in your side of story. I am not here to doubt your emotions, purity and purpose of your love but this is what is is evident from your expressions here..

You know there is an unavoidable central point of “i” here and in fact in every situation of life and the above i, my, mine, me may just be concerned about that essential “i” around which the whole adaptations, corrections, modifications are targeted. That definitely is not self-centered-ness yet it may also require review and introspection if all we see in our life is suffocation, frustration of not being able to change despite trying. Nothing to worry Shalini, we will discuss on what should be our approach in such situation. The second reason may be you are suffering from some complex that makes you think more of self-oriented actions. Yet another reason for using such language can be due to negative handling the long periods of isolation because when love is not misdirected, muffled or mutilated due to various other negative emotions it grows with distance, it ripens in isolation, becomes sweeter in separation by every passing day. It is epitome of love when gopis in vrindavan say to Uddhav “”ऊधो मन न भये दस बीस.. एक हुतो सो गयो स्याम संग, को अवराधे ईस.. ऊधो मन न भये दस बीस””.

Shalini, the beginning of personal love is always beautiful phenomenon. It is intoxicating, it gives feeling of walking on air, it makes you feel powerful as if you have all the strength to bring stars and moons for your beloved. It gives you tremendous strength, patience and ability to bear pain and suffering. It ignites those centers in your being which make you appreciate every positive thing in life and not allow you to bother about what hurts, causes pain or irks. In love even pain given by your beloved is something which gives great sense of being connected to him. In this state your expectations are least. May be just one glimpse of your beloved, one smile, one look and it really does the miracle. It feels like the hot barren deserted land of your heart being flooded by overflowing streams of icy cold water.. so comforting, refreshing and rejuvenating. It is thus relished by being and every pore on your body engages in the dance of ecstasy. Love is door to divine, it is a grace of divine to humans and it is so beautiful that you want it more often..

The experience of love was beautiful but then sets the desire to get to those enthralling moments.. of being in communication, contact or company with of your beloved. Slowly that too happens and you dream flight begins. The expectations then do not remain limited. You engage yourself in many other sets of expectations and even on the spree of fulfilling them. Soon a time comes when expectations further become denser and start precipitating in you and then you start demanding. Demanding love, care or affection is the first step to crucifixion of this pure emotion. The moment your demand arises the divinity of love is lost.. it is no more a grace which you receive with gratitude it becomes like your salary or daily wage which you will anyways demand at the end of the day. Getting wages is easy because that is handed over after day’s work is finished.. love is not easy to be paid back.. it is asked all the times. It is like a laborer asking you to pay every 15 minutes. In the first place love is not even that a thing which can be expected by end of a working day.. neither it is that you earn it in any way. Love happens accidentally.. no one knows how? Desire of opposite sex may be a driver but it is no guarantee every person you get attracted to, love happens. Masters say it is an opportunity given by divine to give you taste of being in love with Him. It is a grace of creator unto you and it needs to handled that way.

Does that mean expectations in love are mean? Does that mean we need to behave like a mute when it comes to expression of our desires and expectations? Does it mean if you expect more of love you are killing it? Yes and No is the answer. Love is a state of heightened sensitivity and receptivity towards goodness being offered by life and this state of being is so precious that it should not be sacrificed at any cost. The expectations and desires are natural. These are not unnatural at all. Those who say that expecting in love is wrong, forget that its only that feeling of having right on your beloved, having deep connection which is expressed in expectations. If someone in love is expecting things from you it is no crime at all.. it is alright to expect. It is display of great affection and right over you by the person who is expecting and you in your capacity may like to respond to those in deeds of care and affection rather then feeling compulsion and pressure. Such caring responses will only deepen this feeling of humanly love rather than weakening it. But the thought process, the way we handle this phase is important, extremely important.. because that is what decides whether love will further strengthen, deepen, empower and pave the path for self-realization or just weaken, turn pleasure oriented, deplete you and prove the saying right “fallen in love”.

The first thing is that if we wish to enjoy the sweet fragrance of this beautiful emotion, we should just engage in that and continue to treat it as a divine grace. Second important thing – if you wish to deepen the intensity of your love change your desire-paradigm, think of what other may be desiring and what in your best abilities can do for him or her. If is not possible do much on physical plane due to distance – keep sending your support, loving energies in thoughts and words. Visualize what you should be doing for him/her, more on giving rather than receiving. It may seem day-dreaming but in fact this is manasik karma which later manifests itself when coupled with action in loving energies. In fact love starts weakening, especially when both of the people involved start expecting at the same time. Two beggars can not give anything to each other.. they will just keep begging. So be generous and keep giving whatever you can – good words, nice kind gestures, support in pain and misery, prayers, healing… virtually anything and feel good about it. The most poisonous thing for love is that when any expectation is not met and you start doubting your source itself. Your source is not your beloved but your love and trust me love can never go wrong unless mixed with negative human traits. Love, like any of God’s gift will always flourish and will become a guiding light, a fulfilling journey if that is mixed with positive human traits. So remember expectations are not wrong but if the feelings generated due to instances of unfulfilled expectations are used to question, doubt and shake the very state of being it is time we change ourselves. Remember “Love never fails you.”

Next level in relationship is which is seen very negatively by most. They call it attachment. All spiritual headed one’s will say it is hindrance to self-growth. That you should not be attached to people. That it is death of freedom and all that. I am not sure how do they define attachment? At least i have not been able to understand their metaphors to describe it. I view it differently – attachment is yet another step further in a relationship which means i have all my expectations from him/her. Whats wrong in that when Mira says “मेरो तो गिरधर गोपाल दूसरो न कोई”? In fact nothing! She does not stop there.. she goes on to accept Krishna as her husband. “जाके सिर मोर मुकुट मेरो पति सोई” Is she crossing the her limits and interfering with Krishna’s personal life? Is she setting wrong example for women around when she says “छाँड़ि दी कुल की कानि कहा करिहै कोई – संतन ढिंग बैठि-बैठि लोक लाज खोई”. No one has viewed it from this angle.. but why not? Just give it a thought and may be rational mind gives you reasons to put Mira behind the bars because she is promoting infidelity and disturbing social norms. No! that is not the case here.. because it is love. Love can never be impure.

Mira chooses Krishna as her beloved, her husband rather than fatherly figure, brotherly figure or divine figure or Guru. It really doesn’t matter. Its easy and natural for a woman to love, accept and surrender to her husband hence this choice but she could have chosen any form, any relationship, which this intensity the result would have been the same – Flowering from within! That divine intoxication which sways away every fear, every bondage. It dissolves the boundaries and dilutes the social definitions of relationship. One can start from anywhere – one can be sure of reaching that zenith of surrender. Because love can never be less that divine and it shines when one chooses to give.. rather than demanding. Love cures, love heals, love sets examples for the people to live up to. Mira is ecstatic with the love she receives from Krishna. On her way to Love she accepts poison as well. She is ready to give her life in dignified way to her beloved.

The ripening the fruit of attachment happens which we continue single-minded without letting our negative emotions like anger, comparison, fear, jealously and doubt win over. Once attachment ripe it falls down and gives rise to surrender and it does not happen without that intense fire within. It does not happen without acceptance. People say I am unable to accept so and so.. this and that.. It is not so that when you fall in love with stone statues you don’t have things to complain about. In fact there will be longer list… after all they don’t seem to be moved by our pleadings anyway!

Falling love with a living God is difficult but more precious. It is more lively and if we have eyes to see and a heart sensitive enough to feel we can never feel disconnected from the very source of love which was once ignited by the very presence of that person. Your mind is jumping in because you are allowing it. There are only two ways to calm down the mind – one is by giving them counter reasons (that is possible only when you are yourself convinced about those reasons) and second is completely shutting it down. The second method is not very suitable because the logical mind can not be made to sleep forever – all we need is to make it understand what we want. To activate your heart.. express yourself and more importantly be loving and giving in your expressions. Keep this advice as mantra for yourself. क्या खोजत है मानुषो ये तू चारों ओर, वशीकरण इक मंत्र है “तज दे वचन कठोर”.

Give commands to your mind, tell it that it has to exist only as your servant only. That it need not interfere in your ways.. “प्रेम एक साधना है.. जीवन बदलने की विधा” Keep reminding yourself that love is a tool to rise beyond human limitations and it is the way which is capable of not only making relationships work but this world a better place.

Sending loving energies your way..

– Ach. Agyaatdarshan

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One thought on “Love, Expectations, Attachment, Surrender and transcendence..

  1. Thank you Master for guiding me. Your words were harsh and soothing both at the same time. But what you said was true. Liked it when you said “Your source is not your beloved but your love and trust me love can never go wrong”…………It means a lot. Thank you so much.

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